Modern Love

An exercise in narrative non-fiction from the point of view of a millennial that is non-woke but still a bit woo woo

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This piece is in part driven by my own consumption of all things in the genre of “modern love” narrative non-fiction.

Recently I have started watching an SBS series called Couples Therapy which no doubt is a programme produced with the success of the likes of Esther Perel in mind. It is interesting, but it like much of this content it is decidedly “New York” in its exploration, or perhaps the problems encountered by the couples are the kind that are relatable to all “modern-metropolitan” types. The couples are as much struggling with “Woke” topics like gender and race issues as with ordinary problems that present themselves in a relationship. But the fact that this subset of people are over represented in this genre means that certain themes dominate whilst others don’t get looked at all.

That being said, it seems that we are all in agreement (left, right, Woke, Anti-Woke) that modern love is an incredibly tricky business. I, like most, have found the first part, the finding of a partner, the most difficult of all. But there are things I have learned along the way which I feel like might be valuable to share with you. I am by no means I love guru (in fact being single in my 30’s probably means I am more an example of what not to do) but still many years of trial and error have given me some insights as to what is useful and what absolutely isn’t.

The Quest for Love

The quest for love and partnership is a universal. Men and women having been getting together since the dawn of time (obviously or none of us would be here). No matter which narrative dominates the era (be it classical love, romantic love, plutonic love) there is a felt sense that for most of us, partnership will make us a better person and the feeling of love brings us closer to truth, divinity or whatever higher more meaningful thing you want direct your life towards.

In Faith, Hope and Carnage Nick Cave talks about love songs being close to religious songs in their ability to elevate. In Bittersweet, Susan Cain says people (and I include myself in this) that listen to songs about longing listen to WAY more music (and on repeat) than most. Those that dwell in the realm of melancholy don’t just consume more music they consume more culture in general and arguably more of life.

Giving and receiving love is one of the most meaningful things in life and will never be a force that merely improves the lives of the lovers. A loved person makes all the difference. They make the world a better place. By comparison one of the factors that seem to crop up in progammes like Couples Therapy is that people who have not been loved or loved well can struggle and be a problematic lover, but also that past hurt can be transcended by love.

For that reason there is nothing frivolous about it, though the whole of the modern culture tells us that a preoccupation with finding a partner is something that Disney and Rom Coms sold to us and we would not have desired but for Hollywood indoctrination.

“Self-love” along with “self-discovery” is what we should all be doing now apparently, but this in my view is just a cope. What we really want is not to just love ourselves but to love others and even all beings.

Dara’s Adventures in Tinderland (my very early 20’s)

Tinder came in when I was in university. As with many other kinds of technological interventions and disruptions that have been accelerated in recent years, I was part of the generation that lived through it. In this first chapter of my life as far as looking for love is concerned it features quite prominently.